2009-07-02T13:15:00.000-07:00

I cried.

“…but why can’t I have more?”

“Because you’re fat! Fat, and an embarrassment to the entire family!”

She paused, watching me. Observing my reaction to her words.

She paused, and in that silence I felt both frightened and embarrassed. Fearful and misplaced. I felt wrong. I, was wrong. Who I was, was wrong.

“Don’t you want me to be proud of you? “ She asked.

“Yes..” I, replied, softly. My breath coming in short, hesitant, breaths. My shoulders shaking steadily.

“Then you’ll lose weight.”

I was ten years old.

…and the children at school would whisper.

“ I know I’m fat.” I‘d say “You don’t have to whisper.”

“You know you’re fat? “Then why are you fat?” They asked.

It hadn’t been a plan. It hadn’t been a choice.

It hadn’t been a repercussion I had known about.

I just was- at ten.

It began there. At the point of my first decade. A slow awareness. A long struggle to face, to accept, to change.

Then to try again, and again and again.

I lost weight. Only to gain it back. I lost it, and then found it again. I gave it away. I took it back. I had it. I didn’t have it. I wanted it. I didn’t want it.

…and it was my fault.

I can write of genetics, of family history. I can talk about how food has always been a comfort, a friend, love to me. I can come up with excuses for unhealthy eating over and over again.

…and some excuses are valid. Psychologically, in some ways physically some excuses, at some times, are valid.

…but, it is still my fault.

It is my choice to live this way.

I may not have had proper role models. I may not have fully understood repercussions. I may carry some gene that causes me to gain / want more , and to lose less, or lose less quickly. I may have had many things in my life that prevented me, at some point, from eating the perfect things.

…but I didn’t have to overeat, ever.

…and I could have moved more. Even with arthritis, health conditions. I could have moved more.

I didn’t. I didn’t do the right things.

Denial can not help me. Denial can never help me. One won’t fix a problem one can’t admit one has.

I’m fat, and it’s my fault.

I’m fat, and I don’t want to be fat anymore.

It’s health that motivates me. My desire comes from facing the repercussions of what I’ve done.

I don’t deny that I’d like to fit into certain types of clothes. I won’t deny that I’d like to look better. I’ll take those changes happily.

…but it’s diabetes. It’s feeling the circulation in my legs pulse and fade, and wondering if I’ll lose them in a few years. It’s eyesight that worsens, and hands that shake with the flow of blood sugar. It’s a loss of energy and concentration.

Feeling like I can’t move. I can‘t, do, when I want to.

Along with the back and knees that hurt sharply and consistently.

Along with sleep apnea and high blood pressure.

I’m killing myself by calories. By too much fat, and too many carbohydrates.

I need to change the way I eat.

I love someone.

I love life.

I want to love myself.

…and I want to give of that self. Give a soul who is as much as she can be. Thus giving my best, always.

It’s going to be hard. Very, hard for me.

…and I’m going to want to give up.

I know I have to believe that I can. I know I have to believe that I will. I know I have to begin to believe in me.

…and I want to believe. I’ll be building faith, as I build this new life. I’ll be building hope as I grow stronger.

…and I pray that the love I have for others will someday embrace me.

//

I’m writing this blog to help me.

I’m writing this blog to help others like me.

With sharing I feel I’m not alone in this struggle. With sharing I feel I can help others in their struggle. This as a, sometime, example for good or bad. (We learn from mistakes as well as achievements.). This providing a place to talk about the good and bad.

…but hopefully, and ultimately, as a place where we all learn to achieve. To find ourselves happy, healthy, and as all we can be.

I hope to update the blog often. Sometimes with personal stories. Sometimes with personal statistics. Sometimes with a cut and paste of something I think helpful. Content may be long at times, very short at others. I feel that every day I post can be a day along the way to better things.

I hope we can walk together along the long path that leads to good health of every kind.

losing it / finding me